This is 11/03/2013. It’s 09.52 pm. I just got home from Yearbook Photoshoot. Feel wasted, but it was nice. Having a great time with my classmates, knowing them even more. We took a lot of pictures. I wish I have it now with me so that I can show them. Anyway, I was with Bayu most of the day. And that’s not what I’m telling. We had a chat. A normal chat. Not the dirty talks he used to say (although he still did it so much). He mentioned about something that makes me think about the future. It was simple though. I was in his car, sitting in the front seat, playing my music in his car. And I played a song by Maroon5 called Beautiful Goodbye. And he said “Ntar lu nyanyi itu tuh sama Kaes.” I knew it was a joke. And I said “Lu juga nyanyi tuh nanti bareng Clara.” He just laughed. We laughed. But then we went silent. I know he was thinking the same thing I was thinking. The separation. I didn’t know whether he’s ready or not. I took a glance at him. He looked straight on the road. But I know he was thinking. His serious look can’t fool me. You know, he always looks so, I don’t know how to call it, like he will be okay if his girlfriend leaves. Saying that there is millions other girls in the world for him. That’s true. But after tonight, I know he doesn’t want Clara to leave. That he’s afraid of the goodbye. Just like me. 

selfish little brat

i was a selfish little brat when i was a kid back then. if i don't get everything i want, i will get mad at everything. i wanted a lot of things. and i disappointed people. when i grew up, i started to learn to put myself in people's position. and the selfish kid inside of me started to go away as time flies. now i'm 17 years old. i thought that i'm already mature enough not to be selfish. but now i realize that the selfish little brat that i thought long gone is actually still a part of me.

this is my last day of holiday. and i feel like i haven't had any holiday at all. this holiday is the worst i've ever had. maybe because this is the first holiday i spent without my brother, who always be there at holiday. his wife is pregnant and he couldn't be home for Christmas holiday. I've spent most of my holidays without my parents. And usually i don't feel lonely. Because i have my brother. but this year... i feel super lonely. actually this year, i get to spend Christmas with both of my parents in Jogja. i thought that it would be fun. but then once i arrived, they became busy. my grandparents got sick and they had to go to hospital like every day. and i had to stay home. i really wanted to go out on my own to places that i and my brother went to, but they gave me no permission at all. i was upset.

i really hate staying home. i'm a traveler. like Dora and Diego and Boots. i like to explore places while my parents like to sit in front of tv and watch it all day long. so being home is always boring for me. i was bored and lonely. i texted my bestfriends, but they seemed to have fun with their families or another friends. they didn't even reply my messages. i chatted with Kevin, but he also seemed to have fun with his cousins. going to places i really want to visit. and i ended up envy. for some reasons i really wish that i could blame anybody so it'll be easier for me to get by. it's just i couldn't. i couldn't force my parents to be there while their parents need them. it's just i want them to see that i need my parents' time too.

Kevin is another thing. i feel like there's this gap now between us. maybe it's because of my jealousy. honestly, i want his time too for me. i used to think that if i had a boyfriend, there would be so many things i would do with my boyfriend, so many memories i would create so that i would have enough to remember about our happiness. it's just...he doesn't seem to understand that. i know i should've understood too that he spent times with his family because it may be the last before he goes abroad. it's just...i also want to spend more time with him before he goes. i tried to understand. it's just...i just can't accept the fact that i'm still a selfish little brat. i'm selfish and i keep getting more greedy. i want him to know this. it's just...would it hurt him? i don't want to hurt him. that's why i always act it cool. like everything doesn't matter for me. while actually, everything matters. this is what i hate about me. i'm too sensitive about things. while he's probably the most insensitive person in the whole planet. i'm the only one who feel this, isn't that just annoying?

so that's all that i can tell about this crappy holiday. in this holiday i kept promising to myself, that after i earn my own money, i will go to places i've never been. i've wanted to see. that i've never get to see it with my family. see. i'm still that selfish little brat.