what stays

Yesterday i went on a date with Kevin. We almost canceled it because of the rain that was crazily pouring, but he made it. I was glad we made it. We watched a movie called "Looper". I don't really understand about the whole thing in the movie. I don't even pay that much attention to understand what exactly it was about. The one that caught my whole attention was Kevin himself. 

I've never felt like that before. When i was with other guys, i was different. I watched the movie. I only felt nervous at the first time then it would be gone. But with Kevin... That was the 5th time (if i'm not mistaken, i'm bad with numerical memory) watching random movie in a cinema. But i still couldn't get my attention off him. 

When the lights are out and the movie starts, the first thing he always does is putting his hand with his palm facing upwards on the hand seat. Poking my hand slightly sometimes. And then i would rest my fingers in his palm during the movie. I couldn't keep my heartbeats in control after that. It would keep faster and i would be afraid that he could hear my heartbeat because it was beating too strong. I would start pretending like i was paying all of my attention on the movie, while i was actually sneaking to take slight peeks of him. Silently. Sometimes he would catch my stares and stared back. And then i wouldl look down to calm myself because i couldn't bear his deadly stares. It will go on repeat during the movie. Until i got tired, and then i would place my head on his shoulder. Like he was waiting for it, he would place his head on mine. And it feels warm. I always close my eyes every time that happens. Capturing those memories in my head. Save it for the future. For when the days he will not be around. 

Now i realize that I've never been like this before, i don't want this to end. The clock is running, and the day that he will leave is getting closer. I know. I know how long it will take for us to see each other again. And i know it will kill me not to see him in his summer holiday or winter holiday. I know also that somehow he or i will not feel the same way again because the time and the distance will eventually make us to forget. I know every little detail of my fears of losing him. And i hate it. I hate this feeling. but i also know that no matter what happens. no matter how long and how far we are. no matter how slight the memories that will keep us alive. he will stay there. in my heart. his warmth. his hairy chin. his peaceful eyes. his safe hands. and his love. it stays there. and it will stay there. and i will keep it close. for a long time. 

where i love

I went on a school trip this week. We went to Bandung and stayed for 3 days. I've been to Bandung so many times. But i don't know why, those 3 days are the memories i will never forget. Why? Because i was not alone. I was with my friends. My best friends. And i was with someone i love the most. 

Bandung is beautiful. I think i will never get bored with the city. The city lights when night comes. The crowd in the middle of the crossroads. The strangers. The thin air that feels cold in the morning. I love them. And i'm going here for college. Definitely. Forget Japan or Germany. I'm not ready for that big change. I'm ready for Bandung. Where i will love. Where my passions and desires are going to stay.

Being there with my friends is so different when i was there with my family. The youth spirits keep us alive. I remember we took a local transportation to Braga. And then we were shocked, because we hadn't known what was inside. But we kept walking down the street, through the night, passing bars and nightclubs, not knowing what we were going to do there. And then we went back home because we don't belong in such place. It was an experience though. I can still remember Desy's facial expression. She was scared. And she kept telling us to go back home. We did as she said though, because we didn't want to see things that we shouldn't see. 

We went to Trans Studio. It's an indoor mini theme park. We tried almost all of the rides there. And screamed when the adrenaline rushes through our system whenever we tried challenging ride. It was so fun. I drained my voice there and now only a little that is left, i can barely speak. But it was fun.

I used to shop a lot when i was there with my family. Spending money on clothes, dresses, shoes, bags, and stuffs. But then there i was shopping with my friends, i didn't feel the urge to buy things. Trying on things and asking my besties what i looked like is more meaningful to me. Cause i can see myself through their mirror. And they're always honest. I only bought a pair of blue jeans and a cropped tee that's matched with Elaine's. 

I also went to ITB (Bandung Institute of Technology) where i want to enter. ITB is...heavenly nice. When i stepped there for the first time, it felt like i belong there. It's like i'm the part of it. I met Sherley too there. She is my best friend. She's one year older than me and now she's a freshman in ITB. She insisted of me going there.. I spent almost all of my time there with her. I took pictures. And i kept picturing myself walking under the trees, going to my class. I kept picturing myself in there. And then i passed this mini monument where all of the faculties were written on a path. Sherley said she took a picture of her feet stepping on the faculty's path she's in now, and it came true. So i took a picture of my feet stepping on the path of civil engineering faculty, whispering to God to make my wish comes true. 

Being there with Kevin, was also different. I wanted to show him the city that will lead me to the future. I wanted to show the place where i want to go. I wanted to show him the university of my dreams. I wanted him to love the city. Because it was the city where i love. Where i love the memories of me and him and my friends. Where i love the kind of cold that lingers on my skin without making me sneezing. Where i love the hype and the brightness of the city when the night life starts. Where i will keep loving him when he is going to be away, so far. 

Here are our fun moments i will never regret nor forget. 

Me, Rio, and Elaine (oh and also Aldo in the background)

Me and Naomi

(from left to right) Steven, Elaine, Rio, Juki, Carissa, Desy,
Karina,Vivian, and Channing. And me in the middle.

Me and Oliv. We met in Cihampelas, luckily.

Me and Kevin in red

(from left,up) Vivian, Me, Carissa, Desy,
Elaine, Karina, and Ones

Me and Kevin in purple

when you're looking like that....

it's Saturday. finally i can breathe a little more. just got home and found nobody's home. so tired of walking. today Kevin celebrated his birthday. and actually i had to do a course at 1 p.m but i skipped it for him. we ate lunch with his close friends and mine. it was quick. about an hour and everybody went home. i actually had planned something with him. we were supposed to, well i don't know, spend some times together? But well he suddenly said that he had plans with his family. i was a liitle bit disappointed. but well, there was nothing i could do. i can't be selfish. so i went to the mall and planned to go around. so i walked. stepped into shops to another. i just kept walking. i didn't stop and take a break. i kept wandering around the mall.

i thought a lot when i was walking. and i remembered that i used to do this early when i was in my first semester of high school. every Saturday. i had no friends that time and i was bored at home. and today i did it again. and now that i think about the reason, i guess i did that because i don't want to feel lonely. walking alone in the middle of a crowded place makes me feel less lonely. because there are many people surround me. it felt good. i can forget my problems. clear my thoughts and my feelings. 

Kevin was actually there inside the mall with his parents. waiting for his younger brother who was dating with his girlfriend. but he didn't go to see me. he thought about it but didn't do it. for several times. if you ask me what i feel about it, well, now i am annoyed. i skipped my course for him, then he canceled the plan. and then we were at a same place why didn't he go to see me while waiting for his brother. his brother could go dating, why couldn't he ? argh. it's hard to just keep it by myself. i didn't show him that i'm actually pissed. if i do that, well nothing changes. Kevin is the ignorant type. He won't even realize what's wrong if i show it. It's a waste anyway to get angry over this small matter. so i kept walking. then i saw him. but he didn't see me. i stopped. then i turned around and walked the other way. if he wanted to see me, he would have gone to see me. so i went home and kept saying to myself that it's his loss that he didn't see me. 

he's still there now. talking about how boring it is accompanying his parents. me? i'm home. listening to Adam Levine's voice all over again with nobody else around me. 

Mobile

things are changing. so fast. it's like if i look away for a second, things will just change into different forms. like a mobile. everything around me is changing. my best friends. my life. everything.

Naomi. i feel like she is changing. i don't know if it's just me or she's just no longer the same. more introvert to me. she befriends with people who has bad reputations too. it's not that i think she is changing into something bad. it's just me being a best friend who is worried about her. 

Blur. Well after the typhoon was over, we' reconcile and we are doing our best to fix this. But we're not really the same anymore. They're getting further from me. Maybe because we are in different classes. they're still care for me. it's just...things are not the same anymore. we rarely find times to be spent together. they're busy doing projects and i'm busy doing my project with my classmates. With the gap, i think we're still good. even sometimes i feel forgotten.

My future. it keeps changing whenever i turn around. i have never seen it clearly. it's so hard to decide something this BIG without thinking about the risks, other options, and what may come ahead. and well....i'm scared. to take bigger risks. afraid of stepping to higher stones. but there's just one life to live, isn't it? there's no time to wait. to be wasted. 

Kevin. well...above all of those things that keep changing. besides God, he's the one that stays the same for me. he is still the ignorant and insensitive boyfriend. he still does sweet things in some idiotic ways. he still sends me voice notes of him playing piano which i still hear every time i'm going to sleep. he's still the guy i can't stare for a long time because i'm afraid that he will see through me. he's still the boy who never knows what he wants and never says what he means. he still falls asleep and leaves me when we're texting in the night. he still hears only half of what i say. and he's still showing up too late. but that's Kevin. and i love him for being him. i love him the way he is. the way he forgets his promises. the way he pretends like he never gets jealous. the way he thinks and talks so fast. the way he loves me. 

Today is our 5 month anniversary. He canceled our meeting today. Kevin, being Kevin. But it doesn't matter. We've still got hundreds of days to meet and spend together. But what will i do later? When you're gone, Kevin, what will i do?