when you're looking like that....

it's Saturday. finally i can breathe a little more. just got home and found nobody's home. so tired of walking. today Kevin celebrated his birthday. and actually i had to do a course at 1 p.m but i skipped it for him. we ate lunch with his close friends and mine. it was quick. about an hour and everybody went home. i actually had planned something with him. we were supposed to, well i don't know, spend some times together? But well he suddenly said that he had plans with his family. i was a liitle bit disappointed. but well, there was nothing i could do. i can't be selfish. so i went to the mall and planned to go around. so i walked. stepped into shops to another. i just kept walking. i didn't stop and take a break. i kept wandering around the mall.

i thought a lot when i was walking. and i remembered that i used to do this early when i was in my first semester of high school. every Saturday. i had no friends that time and i was bored at home. and today i did it again. and now that i think about the reason, i guess i did that because i don't want to feel lonely. walking alone in the middle of a crowded place makes me feel less lonely. because there are many people surround me. it felt good. i can forget my problems. clear my thoughts and my feelings. 

Kevin was actually there inside the mall with his parents. waiting for his younger brother who was dating with his girlfriend. but he didn't go to see me. he thought about it but didn't do it. for several times. if you ask me what i feel about it, well, now i am annoyed. i skipped my course for him, then he canceled the plan. and then we were at a same place why didn't he go to see me while waiting for his brother. his brother could go dating, why couldn't he ? argh. it's hard to just keep it by myself. i didn't show him that i'm actually pissed. if i do that, well nothing changes. Kevin is the ignorant type. He won't even realize what's wrong if i show it. It's a waste anyway to get angry over this small matter. so i kept walking. then i saw him. but he didn't see me. i stopped. then i turned around and walked the other way. if he wanted to see me, he would have gone to see me. so i went home and kept saying to myself that it's his loss that he didn't see me. 

he's still there now. talking about how boring it is accompanying his parents. me? i'm home. listening to Adam Levine's voice all over again with nobody else around me. 

Mobile

things are changing. so fast. it's like if i look away for a second, things will just change into different forms. like a mobile. everything around me is changing. my best friends. my life. everything.

Naomi. i feel like she is changing. i don't know if it's just me or she's just no longer the same. more introvert to me. she befriends with people who has bad reputations too. it's not that i think she is changing into something bad. it's just me being a best friend who is worried about her. 

Blur. Well after the typhoon was over, we' reconcile and we are doing our best to fix this. But we're not really the same anymore. They're getting further from me. Maybe because we are in different classes. they're still care for me. it's just...things are not the same anymore. we rarely find times to be spent together. they're busy doing projects and i'm busy doing my project with my classmates. With the gap, i think we're still good. even sometimes i feel forgotten.

My future. it keeps changing whenever i turn around. i have never seen it clearly. it's so hard to decide something this BIG without thinking about the risks, other options, and what may come ahead. and well....i'm scared. to take bigger risks. afraid of stepping to higher stones. but there's just one life to live, isn't it? there's no time to wait. to be wasted. 

Kevin. well...above all of those things that keep changing. besides God, he's the one that stays the same for me. he is still the ignorant and insensitive boyfriend. he still does sweet things in some idiotic ways. he still sends me voice notes of him playing piano which i still hear every time i'm going to sleep. he's still the guy i can't stare for a long time because i'm afraid that he will see through me. he's still the boy who never knows what he wants and never says what he means. he still falls asleep and leaves me when we're texting in the night. he still hears only half of what i say. and he's still showing up too late. but that's Kevin. and i love him for being him. i love him the way he is. the way he forgets his promises. the way he pretends like he never gets jealous. the way he thinks and talks so fast. the way he loves me. 

Today is our 5 month anniversary. He canceled our meeting today. Kevin, being Kevin. But it doesn't matter. We've still got hundreds of days to meet and spend together. But what will i do later? When you're gone, Kevin, what will i do?