7 things

it's been a while since i last posted huh? last month was crazy. i was preparing for tests and final exams, i didn't have time to write. but well now i'm free. all the final exams are done and i'm hoping for the best of them. it's Christmas holiday anyway so i won't be very busy. 

today is my 7th month anniversary with Kevin. last month we celebrated it by watching a movie. This month, well i don't know. we'll figure something out soon. 

being together for 7 months is awesome. we barely have fights. he's awesome. and this is awesome. you know that feeling when you feel like your relationship with your boyfriend is working out very well. i feel....awesome. 

however being together for 7 months has made me know Kevin very well. I love him a lot. But of course there are things that i hate about him. so here i'm going to spill it out. 7 things i hate about Kevin :

1.  I hate it when he stares. it will make me nervous and i will stop thinking about anything except him. it's like the universe is just an illusion. and he's the only thing that's real. i hate it because his stares makes me weak, it consumes me. i hate it when his stares can actually control me.

2. i hate it when he's always going to be in my options. like all of my consideration will also fall to him. for everything i do, i will think about him.

3. i hate the way that he's always right. we sometimes argue about things. and when our thoughts are different, he's always the one who's actually right. and i hate to admit it that i can't live without him telling me what is right.

4. i hate it when he sleeps first. he's not the type of person who will have a nap in the afternoon. so he will be very sleepy at night when we are skyping or just chatting. and me. i'm the one who likes naps in the afternoon. so i will be very fresh at night. i hate it that i can't push him to stay up and enjoy the night with me. i hate it because i will always let him sleep first.

5. i hate it when he cuts his hair. even make it bald. i hate it so much.

6. i hate the way he never shows what he means or what he wants or what he feels. sometimes if i don't ask, he won't say what he actually wants or means or feels. it frustrates me somehow because he's hard for me to read. 

7. i hate it when he's not around. it's like i'm incomplete. it's weird when you always miss someone every time he's missing. i feel very abnormal. 

it's only going to be fair if i also tell the good side of him. so here are the 7 things i love about him : 

1. i love his smile. like there's a spark inside me every time he smiles. it haunts me every time he's not around. so i can endure the time when we're apart.

2. i love the way he drives. i love the way he looks at the streets. that careful stare.and i love it when he holds my hand after he moves the gear, and he will release it as soon as there's a turn. i love the way he steals stares when he drives. and i love to tell him to put his attention back to the streets. 

3. i love the way he plays my fingers when he holds my hand. twisting it or just caressing it. 

4. i love the way he speaks. some people say that he talks too fast. but hell i care. i love the way he puts a smile on my face because of that. 

5. i love the way he eats. he eats a lot. and i love putting many foods on his plate and getting that 'really?' look from him but he will still eat it anyway. 

6. i love the way he holds me like there's no tomorrow. he will hold me steady and tight and warm. i love that kind of feel when he doesn't want to let go.

7. i love his warmth. i'm a cold person. my normal temperature is quite low while his normal temperature is high. i love it when he makes me warm in a rainy day or in a cold room. 

it's funny how love can bring a change to you. this is a major change in my life. i have never been better. never been so alive like this. this is me now. and i love this. i hope this can last long. because this is where i belong.

illusion

everything in life seems meaningless. we all live alone. we die alone. and everything else is just an illusion.   this thought used to keep me up all night. it makes me think. i mean we all are going to die one day and nothing will stop that. why do we have to spend our so called important life working, sweating, struggling? for an illusion? 

some people fear heights, ghosts, spiders, pain, even death. not me. i fear life. sometimes i wish i had an easy answer for why i'm depressed. because every time i try to act happy and forget the reason of my depression ,  i just feel like i'm full of shit. like i'm trying to be something i'm not.  so i'll let it be. because happiness is something that has to be looked after, something you have to be vigilant about.  just find yourself something to believe in, to care about. probably your days won't be brighten after that, but at least you have yourself a company that's not an illusion. 

as a man, i know what women want. what they like. men see them complicated, but actually what they expect is really simple. women like to be desired. just throw her up against the wall and kiss her. chances are she will kiss you back. and if she doesn't, well at least you tried. you've just got to do something else, or else you'll lose her. that's pretty easy, isn't it? 

i used to be different. i’m serious. i was happy, i was open, i was curious. but i’ll tell you this, i knew when it was ending. i was overwhelmed with sadness when i realized i was going to change. that it all, most likely, was going to get worse. like a nostalgia for the present, i couldn’t shake it. but anything is possible. so i changed. and no matter what shits people talk about me behind my back, i won't give a single fuck.  i like myself now. nothing matters to me except me. 

okay. that was not me. i mean i wrote that but... well that is a character that i made a few minutes ago. i was thinking of making a story. and i need a careless male main character. so i discovered him. haven't found a name that matches his personality, but i will find it. soon.