hey it's been a while. school had started, so i was busy with tests and retests and assignments and projects and stuffs i didn't have time to write. and now i have time. i just got home from my friend's birthday party. the lights and loud music were crazy. but i felt good and had fun. a little fun at least in this busy week. 

i've spent my days, hours, minutes, and seconds on tests. and i am tired. i don't have any time left for anything else. almost. especially with Kevin. this week was crazy. i rarely chat with him. even at school we rarely meet. and now we won't have time for dating again, because i just took a course for university test. and it is scheduled for every Saturday. crazy huh? that way we won't have much time for each other. actually i'm not complaining. i'm fine with it really. it's just....i'm afraid. afraid that we will get further. and the feelings fade away. 

but now i think it's not like it. Kevin went to that party with me. he sat with me the whole time. even though i knew that he was very sleepy because he had slept for 2 hours only the other night. but he still responded the things that i said. he put his arms around me and i still felt those butterflies in me. it was like the first time again. he held my hand and caressed it. and i felt at peace. like there's forever in front of me to stay like that. i was wrong. feelings may fade away. but love don't. love won't fade away. it stays no matter what happen. the same as before.   now i know that i loved him yesterday the same as i love him today and i will love him tomorrow, and the next day after tomorrow, and the next days after that. i'm not afraid. i will fight for this love to stay true.

blue dunhill

it's been 54 hours since he last contacted me. he's in...i don't even know where he exactly is. maybe in Flores still catching komodo dragons. or maybe he's in Bali, walking down the beach under the moonlight. wherever he is, he must be happy. i hope he is happy. i don't know what exactly happened. i can't contact him. he's out of reach. maybe his phone died and he didn't bring his charger. maybe the connection is rubbish there. maybe he lost his phone. whatever happened there, i just hope that he's okay. and nothing bad has happened to him. and that i miss him. like ultra.

i've been away for a couple of days. a lot of things has happened since i last posted here. and most of them are troubles. one of them is a total misery that gives me a grudge that i will hold all along inside me. i can't explain it here. i'm afraid. i don't think that i can explain it to anybody. it's a serious issue. and it made me doing things i don't do. you know what, i smoke yesterday. like really smoking. it was a blue dunhill. no one knows. only me. and you know what, it sucked. i'm not going to smoke again. like never ever going to smoke again for God's sake. now my throat hurts and if i talk, i'll sound like a soaked pipe. i have no idea why people do that over and over and why people like cigarettes. i don't see their reasons. it hurts your tongue, your lungs, your brain, your throats, and your nose. seriously for people out there who wants and are eager to try to smoke. DON'T. sincerely, a person who tried to smoke and her breathing organs ended up hurting.

i seriously need something to make me forget about this thing, because smoking sounds cool and i thought that it could help me, but..oh gosh i should stop talking about that. maybe gums? but i use teeth brackets it will be pretty difficult to chew it without messing my brackets. study probably? hmm i should try. that sounds good for me too.