illusion

everything in life seems meaningless. we all live alone. we die alone. and everything else is just an illusion.   this thought used to keep me up all night. it makes me think. i mean we all are going to die one day and nothing will stop that. why do we have to spend our so called important life working, sweating, struggling? for an illusion? 

some people fear heights, ghosts, spiders, pain, even death. not me. i fear life. sometimes i wish i had an easy answer for why i'm depressed. because every time i try to act happy and forget the reason of my depression ,  i just feel like i'm full of shit. like i'm trying to be something i'm not.  so i'll let it be. because happiness is something that has to be looked after, something you have to be vigilant about.  just find yourself something to believe in, to care about. probably your days won't be brighten after that, but at least you have yourself a company that's not an illusion. 

as a man, i know what women want. what they like. men see them complicated, but actually what they expect is really simple. women like to be desired. just throw her up against the wall and kiss her. chances are she will kiss you back. and if she doesn't, well at least you tried. you've just got to do something else, or else you'll lose her. that's pretty easy, isn't it? 

i used to be different. i’m serious. i was happy, i was open, i was curious. but i’ll tell you this, i knew when it was ending. i was overwhelmed with sadness when i realized i was going to change. that it all, most likely, was going to get worse. like a nostalgia for the present, i couldn’t shake it. but anything is possible. so i changed. and no matter what shits people talk about me behind my back, i won't give a single fuck.  i like myself now. nothing matters to me except me. 

okay. that was not me. i mean i wrote that but... well that is a character that i made a few minutes ago. i was thinking of making a story. and i need a careless male main character. so i discovered him. haven't found a name that matches his personality, but i will find it. soon. 

Shell

oh another thing i forgot to share is a video. one day i was just wandering around youtube. then i checked the 'From Youtube trending'  part and i found a short films called The Last from WongFu Productions. It was good and it was touching. and then i started to watch their short films. some of them are funny, but some of them are very touching. the one that got me is this one that's called Shell.

if you can remember everything, either it's never happened or it really did happen, what would you want to remember? A fiction? Or a reality? These questions haunt me after i finished watching it. I'm a person who likes to dream. Create a world of pure imaginations. It's like making a movie in your own mind. I love doing it. But a dreamer will always be a dreamer if he/she doesn't believe in their dreams. So i think, things that i want to remember is my dreams that i believe in. Because the moment you believe in it, it starts becoming reality. What about you? What would you want to remember?

:)

I've been extremely busy recently, i can barely breathing. I took an IELTS class lately. There are so many tests and projects. There's also an enrichment program for 12th grader, preparation for the National Exam, and it's held every Saturday, which makes my weekend even more miserable than before. Because i also need to take a 6 hours preparation class in order to enter the best National University. I'm exhausted. I'm totally worn out. But i'm not sad. I'm...happy. Well because life's good. And it's been fun with my friends, with Kevin also.

Tomorrow is my 6th month anniversary. Yesterday we skyped. He asks about what do i feel about it. What do i expect. And then i played my memories of these months that we spent together. Fights? We rarely fight. Kevin is very patient. Even though, i'm so emotional and grumpy at some points, but he can handle me so easy. Better than my parents even. It's just whenever i'm around him, i feel peace. Even if i feel anger, hatred, anything bad, if he's near, i will feel better gradually. Me, myself, i can't really get mad at him. No matter how disappointed or upset i am, i can never be angry at him. So all of the things that made me upset will just...vanished. gone with the wind. 

For these reasons, you just found out my other weakness besides thunders and strawberries, Kevin. I don't understand actually why i become like this. I love him. And he makes me weak. And strong at the same time. If i have to choose between him gone and eat 3 strawberries per day or hearing thunders all day, i will choose eating strawberries or hearing thunders all day. I don't want to lose him.  And he makes me weak. And strong at the same time. When he's around, i feel more energy, more spirits. I feel alive and stronger. But when he's gone far away, i feel empty. In this situation he becomes my weakness. 

Kevin being my addiction has influenced me somehow, not only for now, but also for the future. Did i tell you at the beginning that i actually planned to take Industrial Engineering for college? I used to have this in my mind. About what i wanted to be. What i would be. What i would study at college. But as time goes by, and the relationship between me and Kevin grows stronger, my plans started to fade. I started to think about another possibilities. a change. Kevin is accepted in both Australia and London, both in Architecture. We will be separated for such a long period of time. And well, i don't want us to part. Even i know that actually we will in the future. So, i think if i take Civil Engineering for college, the chances of meeting him again in the future will be bigger.  That is why if people ask me now about what i will take for college, i will answer Civil Engineering. no doubts. 

So... I guess this is what i expect in the future. I will be a successful contractor, he will be a successful  architect. We will meet again. And i will still remember him as my best memory of high school. No matter what the situation will be. Either we still have feelings for each other or we already have someone else later. If it's meant to be, it will be. We will be. But for now, so far, as long as we're together. I'm happy :)