hey it's been a while. school had started, so i was busy with tests and retests and assignments and projects and stuffs i didn't have time to write. and now i have time. i just got home from my friend's birthday party. the lights and loud music were crazy. but i felt good and had fun. a little fun at least in this busy week. 

i've spent my days, hours, minutes, and seconds on tests. and i am tired. i don't have any time left for anything else. almost. especially with Kevin. this week was crazy. i rarely chat with him. even at school we rarely meet. and now we won't have time for dating again, because i just took a course for university test. and it is scheduled for every Saturday. crazy huh? that way we won't have much time for each other. actually i'm not complaining. i'm fine with it really. it's just....i'm afraid. afraid that we will get further. and the feelings fade away. 

but now i think it's not like it. Kevin went to that party with me. he sat with me the whole time. even though i knew that he was very sleepy because he had slept for 2 hours only the other night. but he still responded the things that i said. he put his arms around me and i still felt those butterflies in me. it was like the first time again. he held my hand and caressed it. and i felt at peace. like there's forever in front of me to stay like that. i was wrong. feelings may fade away. but love don't. love won't fade away. it stays no matter what happen. the same as before.   now i know that i loved him yesterday the same as i love him today and i will love him tomorrow, and the next day after tomorrow, and the next days after that. i'm not afraid. i will fight for this love to stay true.

blue dunhill

it's been 54 hours since he last contacted me. he's in...i don't even know where he exactly is. maybe in Flores still catching komodo dragons. or maybe he's in Bali, walking down the beach under the moonlight. wherever he is, he must be happy. i hope he is happy. i don't know what exactly happened. i can't contact him. he's out of reach. maybe his phone died and he didn't bring his charger. maybe the connection is rubbish there. maybe he lost his phone. whatever happened there, i just hope that he's okay. and nothing bad has happened to him. and that i miss him. like ultra.

i've been away for a couple of days. a lot of things has happened since i last posted here. and most of them are troubles. one of them is a total misery that gives me a grudge that i will hold all along inside me. i can't explain it here. i'm afraid. i don't think that i can explain it to anybody. it's a serious issue. and it made me doing things i don't do. you know what, i smoke yesterday. like really smoking. it was a blue dunhill. no one knows. only me. and you know what, it sucked. i'm not going to smoke again. like never ever going to smoke again for God's sake. now my throat hurts and if i talk, i'll sound like a soaked pipe. i have no idea why people do that over and over and why people like cigarettes. i don't see their reasons. it hurts your tongue, your lungs, your brain, your throats, and your nose. seriously for people out there who wants and are eager to try to smoke. DON'T. sincerely, a person who tried to smoke and her breathing organs ended up hurting.

i seriously need something to make me forget about this thing, because smoking sounds cool and i thought that it could help me, but..oh gosh i should stop talking about that. maybe gums? but i use teeth brackets it will be pretty difficult to chew it without messing my brackets. study probably? hmm i should try. that sounds good for me too.

i don't know what's going on in my life right now. my best friends.... where are they? it feels like they're far away. Naomi, especially. i don't know what happened. the distance is now there. we live near each other, but why do i feel that we're miles apart. maybe because i cut myself from the outer world. lately i was busy with my tests, my future, Kevin who's going to Australia, Viwu who's back with the 'dick', my band and the competition we're joining. A lot of things are going around me, they keep me away from her. and now i miss her, but i don't know what to talk about if i start the conversation right now. i know she might feel like i'm closing in. but i'm not. i will never do that to her. she's like my best friend ever. the best one. eventhough i have quite a few bestfriends, she's the best. she's the one who knows the real me. i'm not going to ditch her like everybody else does to her. i have no plan and intention to do that. i'm afraid she will close herself from me. keep me outside. she's my bestfriend. i don't want to lose any other best friend. no.

Rotten Potatoes ?

Sometimes when you feel happy, everything will seem somehow brighter. Today i got a 60 in my integral test which i'm not qualified to pass this test and have to redo the test. My biology score didn't turn out to be pretty satisfying for me. And it feels like my best friends are getting further and further everyday. But i don't feel that sad and gloomy today. Because well i feel happy. Why? Because i have a band! And they're there for me today and kind of brighten up my day a lot. Here they are.... 

(from left to right : Aldo, Me, Kevin, Nick, Reno, and Steven)

And we are....Rotten Potatoes! Yeah. What a name. We change it a lot due to our band's mood. I am the vocalist. Kevin a.k.a my awesome boyfriend is a pianist/keyboardist. Aldo is the sulinger (he plays recorder, you know what i mean). Steven 'Koko' is the guitarist 2/bassist. Reno is the drummer. And spotted in the middle is Nick the number 1 guitarist and somekind of the leader in this band. We're not that kind of popular band at school, because there are so many young and talented people in the school and we are not there in the spotlight. But hey, we have the bond and yeah we are pretty awesome. Is it enough to prove that we are talented by saying that we have won this competition at school in the 2nd place? I know it's nothing to brag about, but hey we're awesome.

We are going to join a band competition at an international school and today we just finished practicing one song. Great huh? Yeah wish me luck. Wups. Wish us luck! Go Rotten Potatoes! (i know that sounds pretty irritating somehow, but go with it!)

have you ever been in love with someone so bad you can do nothing about it? or that you know what you want to do about it but don't have the courage to do it? and silence came in as nothing was done by nobody. then you suddenly love this kind of silence, you want to save it in a jar and open it in the middle of the night. or that you accidentally touch each other's skin, you felt a total strike of electricity and you pause? not because you're afraid. but because you want more and more, your heart's jumping every time that happens like a touchdown just happened. it's like an adrenaline rush all over again. like a little amount of heroine, you need more everyday, but afraid that it will kill you somehow, someday. or that you feel like you want to look at somebody's eyes but you look down as soon as the stare holds? because you're afraid that something giant might explode if the stare holds any longer. or that a caress on your skin when you are holding hands can jump you out of happiness? of hopes. of immortality. of something that's infinity. or that you're looking at your window in the middle of a long day to just stare at the moving clouds? or maybe you're spending the half of your night on your attic just to find the moon? not because they're beautiful. but because you're wondering if someone you love may see the same thing in the other side. missing you. i love those thoughts that nights of sleep is not enough to pour these feelings. 

"I'm in love with you, and i'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and i know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and i know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and i am in love with you"

things have been quite difficult lately. my math test was a major fail. my best friend got back together with a total dick. there's a concert of my favorite idol but i don't know if i'm allowed to watch it or not. there's a physics test this week and up to now i haven't understood a single thing about it yet. and today i simply didn't put any attention to that test. and today is my first day of my period.

well, maybe it seems quite normal for you. it is actually for me. but please see my problem in a perspective of a girl who's in her first day of her period. well in my period days, i get annoyed/disappointed/angry/sad easily. that's a jackpot actually. because if i'm angry, i will have to burn the whole world. okay i exaggerated that part a little too much. but well this is such a bad start of the week for me. and well. i need a new spirit just to keep me awake for this whole crazy witty busy week. 

actually, someone did give me a spirit in  a shape of voice notes. he plays me a song with a piano in them. and i love it. gonna play it again before i go to sleep. at least, there's still one good. nah. best thing in my life this week.

cold

i've been busy on my own recently. thinking about college and career, pursuing goals. i didn't realize there's this small thing that i've never given some thoughts. Kevin. why? well after high school, he's going to Australia in order to pursue his dream. to be an architect. that means neither it's a Long Distance Relationship which is i'm sucked at or we're moving on without each other. the conclusions make me think even more desperately than my own career. yeah, laugh it out. i am thinking so hard about one guy and what i will do if i have to live without him, that's crazy. that's not even me. i've never thought about living without someone. because i'm fine with myself. i don't need anybody. friends? i can find some more in the new place. parents? had lived without them and i like it better. relatives? pfft. i don't care. it's funny how this stupid thing called love can change your principal of life. it's funny and it's crazy that deep down in my heart, i don't want to be apart. it's stupid actually. if i was someone else, i would probably laugh at me. it's stupid that you burst into tears when you think about living without someone you love. about how you will survive without them. about how you think stupid things they will be doing while you were not with them. i haven't felt something like this before, similar even. no. i used to think i'm a tough person that can handle any heartbreaks. even my hardest goodbye didn't give me this silly feelings when he had gone. but this. this makes me afraid. i'm afraid he would be my next goodbye, the impossible one. thinking about it even more makes me shiver. and here it comes. the cold and hard times i should handle myself.