7 things

it's been a while since i last posted huh? last month was crazy. i was preparing for tests and final exams, i didn't have time to write. but well now i'm free. all the final exams are done and i'm hoping for the best of them. it's Christmas holiday anyway so i won't be very busy. 

today is my 7th month anniversary with Kevin. last month we celebrated it by watching a movie. This month, well i don't know. we'll figure something out soon. 

being together for 7 months is awesome. we barely have fights. he's awesome. and this is awesome. you know that feeling when you feel like your relationship with your boyfriend is working out very well. i feel....awesome. 

however being together for 7 months has made me know Kevin very well. I love him a lot. But of course there are things that i hate about him. so here i'm going to spill it out. 7 things i hate about Kevin :

1.  I hate it when he stares. it will make me nervous and i will stop thinking about anything except him. it's like the universe is just an illusion. and he's the only thing that's real. i hate it because his stares makes me weak, it consumes me. i hate it when his stares can actually control me.

2. i hate it when he's always going to be in my options. like all of my consideration will also fall to him. for everything i do, i will think about him.

3. i hate the way that he's always right. we sometimes argue about things. and when our thoughts are different, he's always the one who's actually right. and i hate to admit it that i can't live without him telling me what is right.

4. i hate it when he sleeps first. he's not the type of person who will have a nap in the afternoon. so he will be very sleepy at night when we are skyping or just chatting. and me. i'm the one who likes naps in the afternoon. so i will be very fresh at night. i hate it that i can't push him to stay up and enjoy the night with me. i hate it because i will always let him sleep first.

5. i hate it when he cuts his hair. even make it bald. i hate it so much.

6. i hate the way he never shows what he means or what he wants or what he feels. sometimes if i don't ask, he won't say what he actually wants or means or feels. it frustrates me somehow because he's hard for me to read. 

7. i hate it when he's not around. it's like i'm incomplete. it's weird when you always miss someone every time he's missing. i feel very abnormal. 

it's only going to be fair if i also tell the good side of him. so here are the 7 things i love about him : 

1. i love his smile. like there's a spark inside me every time he smiles. it haunts me every time he's not around. so i can endure the time when we're apart.

2. i love the way he drives. i love the way he looks at the streets. that careful stare.and i love it when he holds my hand after he moves the gear, and he will release it as soon as there's a turn. i love the way he steals stares when he drives. and i love to tell him to put his attention back to the streets. 

3. i love the way he plays my fingers when he holds my hand. twisting it or just caressing it. 

4. i love the way he speaks. some people say that he talks too fast. but hell i care. i love the way he puts a smile on my face because of that. 

5. i love the way he eats. he eats a lot. and i love putting many foods on his plate and getting that 'really?' look from him but he will still eat it anyway. 

6. i love the way he holds me like there's no tomorrow. he will hold me steady and tight and warm. i love that kind of feel when he doesn't want to let go.

7. i love his warmth. i'm a cold person. my normal temperature is quite low while his normal temperature is high. i love it when he makes me warm in a rainy day or in a cold room. 

it's funny how love can bring a change to you. this is a major change in my life. i have never been better. never been so alive like this. this is me now. and i love this. i hope this can last long. because this is where i belong.

illusion

everything in life seems meaningless. we all live alone. we die alone. and everything else is just an illusion.   this thought used to keep me up all night. it makes me think. i mean we all are going to die one day and nothing will stop that. why do we have to spend our so called important life working, sweating, struggling? for an illusion? 

some people fear heights, ghosts, spiders, pain, even death. not me. i fear life. sometimes i wish i had an easy answer for why i'm depressed. because every time i try to act happy and forget the reason of my depression ,  i just feel like i'm full of shit. like i'm trying to be something i'm not.  so i'll let it be. because happiness is something that has to be looked after, something you have to be vigilant about.  just find yourself something to believe in, to care about. probably your days won't be brighten after that, but at least you have yourself a company that's not an illusion. 

as a man, i know what women want. what they like. men see them complicated, but actually what they expect is really simple. women like to be desired. just throw her up against the wall and kiss her. chances are she will kiss you back. and if she doesn't, well at least you tried. you've just got to do something else, or else you'll lose her. that's pretty easy, isn't it? 

i used to be different. i’m serious. i was happy, i was open, i was curious. but i’ll tell you this, i knew when it was ending. i was overwhelmed with sadness when i realized i was going to change. that it all, most likely, was going to get worse. like a nostalgia for the present, i couldn’t shake it. but anything is possible. so i changed. and no matter what shits people talk about me behind my back, i won't give a single fuck.  i like myself now. nothing matters to me except me. 

okay. that was not me. i mean i wrote that but... well that is a character that i made a few minutes ago. i was thinking of making a story. and i need a careless male main character. so i discovered him. haven't found a name that matches his personality, but i will find it. soon. 

Shell

oh another thing i forgot to share is a video. one day i was just wandering around youtube. then i checked the 'From Youtube trending'  part and i found a short films called The Last from WongFu Productions. It was good and it was touching. and then i started to watch their short films. some of them are funny, but some of them are very touching. the one that got me is this one that's called Shell.

if you can remember everything, either it's never happened or it really did happen, what would you want to remember? A fiction? Or a reality? These questions haunt me after i finished watching it. I'm a person who likes to dream. Create a world of pure imaginations. It's like making a movie in your own mind. I love doing it. But a dreamer will always be a dreamer if he/she doesn't believe in their dreams. So i think, things that i want to remember is my dreams that i believe in. Because the moment you believe in it, it starts becoming reality. What about you? What would you want to remember?

:)

I've been extremely busy recently, i can barely breathing. I took an IELTS class lately. There are so many tests and projects. There's also an enrichment program for 12th grader, preparation for the National Exam, and it's held every Saturday, which makes my weekend even more miserable than before. Because i also need to take a 6 hours preparation class in order to enter the best National University. I'm exhausted. I'm totally worn out. But i'm not sad. I'm...happy. Well because life's good. And it's been fun with my friends, with Kevin also.

Tomorrow is my 6th month anniversary. Yesterday we skyped. He asks about what do i feel about it. What do i expect. And then i played my memories of these months that we spent together. Fights? We rarely fight. Kevin is very patient. Even though, i'm so emotional and grumpy at some points, but he can handle me so easy. Better than my parents even. It's just whenever i'm around him, i feel peace. Even if i feel anger, hatred, anything bad, if he's near, i will feel better gradually. Me, myself, i can't really get mad at him. No matter how disappointed or upset i am, i can never be angry at him. So all of the things that made me upset will just...vanished. gone with the wind. 

For these reasons, you just found out my other weakness besides thunders and strawberries, Kevin. I don't understand actually why i become like this. I love him. And he makes me weak. And strong at the same time. If i have to choose between him gone and eat 3 strawberries per day or hearing thunders all day, i will choose eating strawberries or hearing thunders all day. I don't want to lose him.  And he makes me weak. And strong at the same time. When he's around, i feel more energy, more spirits. I feel alive and stronger. But when he's gone far away, i feel empty. In this situation he becomes my weakness. 

Kevin being my addiction has influenced me somehow, not only for now, but also for the future. Did i tell you at the beginning that i actually planned to take Industrial Engineering for college? I used to have this in my mind. About what i wanted to be. What i would be. What i would study at college. But as time goes by, and the relationship between me and Kevin grows stronger, my plans started to fade. I started to think about another possibilities. a change. Kevin is accepted in both Australia and London, both in Architecture. We will be separated for such a long period of time. And well, i don't want us to part. Even i know that actually we will in the future. So, i think if i take Civil Engineering for college, the chances of meeting him again in the future will be bigger.  That is why if people ask me now about what i will take for college, i will answer Civil Engineering. no doubts. 

So... I guess this is what i expect in the future. I will be a successful contractor, he will be a successful  architect. We will meet again. And i will still remember him as my best memory of high school. No matter what the situation will be. Either we still have feelings for each other or we already have someone else later. If it's meant to be, it will be. We will be. But for now, so far, as long as we're together. I'm happy :)

what stays

Yesterday i went on a date with Kevin. We almost canceled it because of the rain that was crazily pouring, but he made it. I was glad we made it. We watched a movie called "Looper". I don't really understand about the whole thing in the movie. I don't even pay that much attention to understand what exactly it was about. The one that caught my whole attention was Kevin himself. 

I've never felt like that before. When i was with other guys, i was different. I watched the movie. I only felt nervous at the first time then it would be gone. But with Kevin... That was the 5th time (if i'm not mistaken, i'm bad with numerical memory) watching random movie in a cinema. But i still couldn't get my attention off him. 

When the lights are out and the movie starts, the first thing he always does is putting his hand with his palm facing upwards on the hand seat. Poking my hand slightly sometimes. And then i would rest my fingers in his palm during the movie. I couldn't keep my heartbeats in control after that. It would keep faster and i would be afraid that he could hear my heartbeat because it was beating too strong. I would start pretending like i was paying all of my attention on the movie, while i was actually sneaking to take slight peeks of him. Silently. Sometimes he would catch my stares and stared back. And then i wouldl look down to calm myself because i couldn't bear his deadly stares. It will go on repeat during the movie. Until i got tired, and then i would place my head on his shoulder. Like he was waiting for it, he would place his head on mine. And it feels warm. I always close my eyes every time that happens. Capturing those memories in my head. Save it for the future. For when the days he will not be around. 

Now i realize that I've never been like this before, i don't want this to end. The clock is running, and the day that he will leave is getting closer. I know. I know how long it will take for us to see each other again. And i know it will kill me not to see him in his summer holiday or winter holiday. I know also that somehow he or i will not feel the same way again because the time and the distance will eventually make us to forget. I know every little detail of my fears of losing him. And i hate it. I hate this feeling. but i also know that no matter what happens. no matter how long and how far we are. no matter how slight the memories that will keep us alive. he will stay there. in my heart. his warmth. his hairy chin. his peaceful eyes. his safe hands. and his love. it stays there. and it will stay there. and i will keep it close. for a long time. 

where i love

I went on a school trip this week. We went to Bandung and stayed for 3 days. I've been to Bandung so many times. But i don't know why, those 3 days are the memories i will never forget. Why? Because i was not alone. I was with my friends. My best friends. And i was with someone i love the most. 

Bandung is beautiful. I think i will never get bored with the city. The city lights when night comes. The crowd in the middle of the crossroads. The strangers. The thin air that feels cold in the morning. I love them. And i'm going here for college. Definitely. Forget Japan or Germany. I'm not ready for that big change. I'm ready for Bandung. Where i will love. Where my passions and desires are going to stay.

Being there with my friends is so different when i was there with my family. The youth spirits keep us alive. I remember we took a local transportation to Braga. And then we were shocked, because we hadn't known what was inside. But we kept walking down the street, through the night, passing bars and nightclubs, not knowing what we were going to do there. And then we went back home because we don't belong in such place. It was an experience though. I can still remember Desy's facial expression. She was scared. And she kept telling us to go back home. We did as she said though, because we didn't want to see things that we shouldn't see. 

We went to Trans Studio. It's an indoor mini theme park. We tried almost all of the rides there. And screamed when the adrenaline rushes through our system whenever we tried challenging ride. It was so fun. I drained my voice there and now only a little that is left, i can barely speak. But it was fun.

I used to shop a lot when i was there with my family. Spending money on clothes, dresses, shoes, bags, and stuffs. But then there i was shopping with my friends, i didn't feel the urge to buy things. Trying on things and asking my besties what i looked like is more meaningful to me. Cause i can see myself through their mirror. And they're always honest. I only bought a pair of blue jeans and a cropped tee that's matched with Elaine's. 

I also went to ITB (Bandung Institute of Technology) where i want to enter. ITB is...heavenly nice. When i stepped there for the first time, it felt like i belong there. It's like i'm the part of it. I met Sherley too there. She is my best friend. She's one year older than me and now she's a freshman in ITB. She insisted of me going there.. I spent almost all of my time there with her. I took pictures. And i kept picturing myself walking under the trees, going to my class. I kept picturing myself in there. And then i passed this mini monument where all of the faculties were written on a path. Sherley said she took a picture of her feet stepping on the faculty's path she's in now, and it came true. So i took a picture of my feet stepping on the path of civil engineering faculty, whispering to God to make my wish comes true. 

Being there with Kevin, was also different. I wanted to show him the city that will lead me to the future. I wanted to show the place where i want to go. I wanted to show him the university of my dreams. I wanted him to love the city. Because it was the city where i love. Where i love the memories of me and him and my friends. Where i love the kind of cold that lingers on my skin without making me sneezing. Where i love the hype and the brightness of the city when the night life starts. Where i will keep loving him when he is going to be away, so far. 

Here are our fun moments i will never regret nor forget. 

Me, Rio, and Elaine (oh and also Aldo in the background)

Me and Naomi

(from left to right) Steven, Elaine, Rio, Juki, Carissa, Desy,
Karina,Vivian, and Channing. And me in the middle.

Me and Oliv. We met in Cihampelas, luckily.

Me and Kevin in red

(from left,up) Vivian, Me, Carissa, Desy,
Elaine, Karina, and Ones

Me and Kevin in purple

when you're looking like that....

it's Saturday. finally i can breathe a little more. just got home and found nobody's home. so tired of walking. today Kevin celebrated his birthday. and actually i had to do a course at 1 p.m but i skipped it for him. we ate lunch with his close friends and mine. it was quick. about an hour and everybody went home. i actually had planned something with him. we were supposed to, well i don't know, spend some times together? But well he suddenly said that he had plans with his family. i was a liitle bit disappointed. but well, there was nothing i could do. i can't be selfish. so i went to the mall and planned to go around. so i walked. stepped into shops to another. i just kept walking. i didn't stop and take a break. i kept wandering around the mall.

i thought a lot when i was walking. and i remembered that i used to do this early when i was in my first semester of high school. every Saturday. i had no friends that time and i was bored at home. and today i did it again. and now that i think about the reason, i guess i did that because i don't want to feel lonely. walking alone in the middle of a crowded place makes me feel less lonely. because there are many people surround me. it felt good. i can forget my problems. clear my thoughts and my feelings. 

Kevin was actually there inside the mall with his parents. waiting for his younger brother who was dating with his girlfriend. but he didn't go to see me. he thought about it but didn't do it. for several times. if you ask me what i feel about it, well, now i am annoyed. i skipped my course for him, then he canceled the plan. and then we were at a same place why didn't he go to see me while waiting for his brother. his brother could go dating, why couldn't he ? argh. it's hard to just keep it by myself. i didn't show him that i'm actually pissed. if i do that, well nothing changes. Kevin is the ignorant type. He won't even realize what's wrong if i show it. It's a waste anyway to get angry over this small matter. so i kept walking. then i saw him. but he didn't see me. i stopped. then i turned around and walked the other way. if he wanted to see me, he would have gone to see me. so i went home and kept saying to myself that it's his loss that he didn't see me. 

he's still there now. talking about how boring it is accompanying his parents. me? i'm home. listening to Adam Levine's voice all over again with nobody else around me. 

Mobile

things are changing. so fast. it's like if i look away for a second, things will just change into different forms. like a mobile. everything around me is changing. my best friends. my life. everything.

Naomi. i feel like she is changing. i don't know if it's just me or she's just no longer the same. more introvert to me. she befriends with people who has bad reputations too. it's not that i think she is changing into something bad. it's just me being a best friend who is worried about her. 

Blur. Well after the typhoon was over, we' reconcile and we are doing our best to fix this. But we're not really the same anymore. They're getting further from me. Maybe because we are in different classes. they're still care for me. it's just...things are not the same anymore. we rarely find times to be spent together. they're busy doing projects and i'm busy doing my project with my classmates. With the gap, i think we're still good. even sometimes i feel forgotten.

My future. it keeps changing whenever i turn around. i have never seen it clearly. it's so hard to decide something this BIG without thinking about the risks, other options, and what may come ahead. and well....i'm scared. to take bigger risks. afraid of stepping to higher stones. but there's just one life to live, isn't it? there's no time to wait. to be wasted. 

Kevin. well...above all of those things that keep changing. besides God, he's the one that stays the same for me. he is still the ignorant and insensitive boyfriend. he still does sweet things in some idiotic ways. he still sends me voice notes of him playing piano which i still hear every time i'm going to sleep. he's still the guy i can't stare for a long time because i'm afraid that he will see through me. he's still the boy who never knows what he wants and never says what he means. he still falls asleep and leaves me when we're texting in the night. he still hears only half of what i say. and he's still showing up too late. but that's Kevin. and i love him for being him. i love him the way he is. the way he forgets his promises. the way he pretends like he never gets jealous. the way he thinks and talks so fast. the way he loves me. 

Today is our 5 month anniversary. He canceled our meeting today. Kevin, being Kevin. But it doesn't matter. We've still got hundreds of days to meet and spend together. But what will i do later? When you're gone, Kevin, what will i do?

in a distance

Time flies. It's almost a month since the last time i posted something. So many things have been going around me. Good things. Bad things. School is really suffocating these days. I'm sick of doing tests and retests and projects and those endless assignments. Anyway, i just finished my mid term tests. Some of the scores were up and they're pretty good. I'm crossing fingers for the result. 

Hmm. What else? Ah. I'm very grateful for my school life in XIIA1. They are very entertaining and supporting at once. Every time i feel so stressed out, they're there to share a laugh together. And when i'm stuck in a lesson, they're there to encourage me and help me out. We had fun at Thursday and took some pictures with our homeroom teacher and our varsity jacket of course! I LOVE EM ALL. (anyway i am the one with number 04)

Hmm... What else... Ah. There is a little typhoon happening in my friendship with BLUR. They're my best friends since got into science class. BLUR is me, Desy, Viwu, Elaine, Carissa, and Karina. Karina joined us lately because she went into the same class with them in XIIA5 while i'm here with XIIA1. There's a misunderstanding going around like a virus. Hopping from one person to another. This is not a big matter, in fact it's a very tiny one in my perspective, but one of us sees it as a very big problem and now stepping away from us. I don't want to watch this. I don't want us to be faded like an old photo from the past. Eaten by time. One of us seems out of control of her emotions. The others are trying to reach for her, but it seems like she doesn't want to be reached. I don't understand. I don't get it. We are best friends. We should stick together, shouldn't we? But why are you running away, my friend? I don't want letting you slipping away like this. As easy as this. You're the closest to me. But why? Please reconsider our days we've been through together. We love you sincerely. We really do.

Now that you have taken a step away from us. You can take your time. Think about it. We will be here waiting. Standing in a distance. Never far behind.

hey it's been a while. school had started, so i was busy with tests and retests and assignments and projects and stuffs i didn't have time to write. and now i have time. i just got home from my friend's birthday party. the lights and loud music were crazy. but i felt good and had fun. a little fun at least in this busy week. 

i've spent my days, hours, minutes, and seconds on tests. and i am tired. i don't have any time left for anything else. almost. especially with Kevin. this week was crazy. i rarely chat with him. even at school we rarely meet. and now we won't have time for dating again, because i just took a course for university test. and it is scheduled for every Saturday. crazy huh? that way we won't have much time for each other. actually i'm not complaining. i'm fine with it really. it's just....i'm afraid. afraid that we will get further. and the feelings fade away. 

but now i think it's not like it. Kevin went to that party with me. he sat with me the whole time. even though i knew that he was very sleepy because he had slept for 2 hours only the other night. but he still responded the things that i said. he put his arms around me and i still felt those butterflies in me. it was like the first time again. he held my hand and caressed it. and i felt at peace. like there's forever in front of me to stay like that. i was wrong. feelings may fade away. but love don't. love won't fade away. it stays no matter what happen. the same as before.   now i know that i loved him yesterday the same as i love him today and i will love him tomorrow, and the next day after tomorrow, and the next days after that. i'm not afraid. i will fight for this love to stay true.

blue dunhill

it's been 54 hours since he last contacted me. he's in...i don't even know where he exactly is. maybe in Flores still catching komodo dragons. or maybe he's in Bali, walking down the beach under the moonlight. wherever he is, he must be happy. i hope he is happy. i don't know what exactly happened. i can't contact him. he's out of reach. maybe his phone died and he didn't bring his charger. maybe the connection is rubbish there. maybe he lost his phone. whatever happened there, i just hope that he's okay. and nothing bad has happened to him. and that i miss him. like ultra.

i've been away for a couple of days. a lot of things has happened since i last posted here. and most of them are troubles. one of them is a total misery that gives me a grudge that i will hold all along inside me. i can't explain it here. i'm afraid. i don't think that i can explain it to anybody. it's a serious issue. and it made me doing things i don't do. you know what, i smoke yesterday. like really smoking. it was a blue dunhill. no one knows. only me. and you know what, it sucked. i'm not going to smoke again. like never ever going to smoke again for God's sake. now my throat hurts and if i talk, i'll sound like a soaked pipe. i have no idea why people do that over and over and why people like cigarettes. i don't see their reasons. it hurts your tongue, your lungs, your brain, your throats, and your nose. seriously for people out there who wants and are eager to try to smoke. DON'T. sincerely, a person who tried to smoke and her breathing organs ended up hurting.

i seriously need something to make me forget about this thing, because smoking sounds cool and i thought that it could help me, but..oh gosh i should stop talking about that. maybe gums? but i use teeth brackets it will be pretty difficult to chew it without messing my brackets. study probably? hmm i should try. that sounds good for me too.

i don't know what's going on in my life right now. my best friends.... where are they? it feels like they're far away. Naomi, especially. i don't know what happened. the distance is now there. we live near each other, but why do i feel that we're miles apart. maybe because i cut myself from the outer world. lately i was busy with my tests, my future, Kevin who's going to Australia, Viwu who's back with the 'dick', my band and the competition we're joining. A lot of things are going around me, they keep me away from her. and now i miss her, but i don't know what to talk about if i start the conversation right now. i know she might feel like i'm closing in. but i'm not. i will never do that to her. she's like my best friend ever. the best one. eventhough i have quite a few bestfriends, she's the best. she's the one who knows the real me. i'm not going to ditch her like everybody else does to her. i have no plan and intention to do that. i'm afraid she will close herself from me. keep me outside. she's my bestfriend. i don't want to lose any other best friend. no.

Rotten Potatoes ?

Sometimes when you feel happy, everything will seem somehow brighter. Today i got a 60 in my integral test which i'm not qualified to pass this test and have to redo the test. My biology score didn't turn out to be pretty satisfying for me. And it feels like my best friends are getting further and further everyday. But i don't feel that sad and gloomy today. Because well i feel happy. Why? Because i have a band! And they're there for me today and kind of brighten up my day a lot. Here they are.... 

(from left to right : Aldo, Me, Kevin, Nick, Reno, and Steven)

And we are....Rotten Potatoes! Yeah. What a name. We change it a lot due to our band's mood. I am the vocalist. Kevin a.k.a my awesome boyfriend is a pianist/keyboardist. Aldo is the sulinger (he plays recorder, you know what i mean). Steven 'Koko' is the guitarist 2/bassist. Reno is the drummer. And spotted in the middle is Nick the number 1 guitarist and somekind of the leader in this band. We're not that kind of popular band at school, because there are so many young and talented people in the school and we are not there in the spotlight. But hey, we have the bond and yeah we are pretty awesome. Is it enough to prove that we are talented by saying that we have won this competition at school in the 2nd place? I know it's nothing to brag about, but hey we're awesome.

We are going to join a band competition at an international school and today we just finished practicing one song. Great huh? Yeah wish me luck. Wups. Wish us luck! Go Rotten Potatoes! (i know that sounds pretty irritating somehow, but go with it!)

have you ever been in love with someone so bad you can do nothing about it? or that you know what you want to do about it but don't have the courage to do it? and silence came in as nothing was done by nobody. then you suddenly love this kind of silence, you want to save it in a jar and open it in the middle of the night. or that you accidentally touch each other's skin, you felt a total strike of electricity and you pause? not because you're afraid. but because you want more and more, your heart's jumping every time that happens like a touchdown just happened. it's like an adrenaline rush all over again. like a little amount of heroine, you need more everyday, but afraid that it will kill you somehow, someday. or that you feel like you want to look at somebody's eyes but you look down as soon as the stare holds? because you're afraid that something giant might explode if the stare holds any longer. or that a caress on your skin when you are holding hands can jump you out of happiness? of hopes. of immortality. of something that's infinity. or that you're looking at your window in the middle of a long day to just stare at the moving clouds? or maybe you're spending the half of your night on your attic just to find the moon? not because they're beautiful. but because you're wondering if someone you love may see the same thing in the other side. missing you. i love those thoughts that nights of sleep is not enough to pour these feelings. 

"I'm in love with you, and i'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and i know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and i know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and i am in love with you"

things have been quite difficult lately. my math test was a major fail. my best friend got back together with a total dick. there's a concert of my favorite idol but i don't know if i'm allowed to watch it or not. there's a physics test this week and up to now i haven't understood a single thing about it yet. and today i simply didn't put any attention to that test. and today is my first day of my period.

well, maybe it seems quite normal for you. it is actually for me. but please see my problem in a perspective of a girl who's in her first day of her period. well in my period days, i get annoyed/disappointed/angry/sad easily. that's a jackpot actually. because if i'm angry, i will have to burn the whole world. okay i exaggerated that part a little too much. but well this is such a bad start of the week for me. and well. i need a new spirit just to keep me awake for this whole crazy witty busy week. 

actually, someone did give me a spirit in  a shape of voice notes. he plays me a song with a piano in them. and i love it. gonna play it again before i go to sleep. at least, there's still one good. nah. best thing in my life this week.

cold

i've been busy on my own recently. thinking about college and career, pursuing goals. i didn't realize there's this small thing that i've never given some thoughts. Kevin. why? well after high school, he's going to Australia in order to pursue his dream. to be an architect. that means neither it's a Long Distance Relationship which is i'm sucked at or we're moving on without each other. the conclusions make me think even more desperately than my own career. yeah, laugh it out. i am thinking so hard about one guy and what i will do if i have to live without him, that's crazy. that's not even me. i've never thought about living without someone. because i'm fine with myself. i don't need anybody. friends? i can find some more in the new place. parents? had lived without them and i like it better. relatives? pfft. i don't care. it's funny how this stupid thing called love can change your principal of life. it's funny and it's crazy that deep down in my heart, i don't want to be apart. it's stupid actually. if i was someone else, i would probably laugh at me. it's stupid that you burst into tears when you think about living without someone you love. about how you will survive without them. about how you think stupid things they will be doing while you were not with them. i haven't felt something like this before, similar even. no. i used to think i'm a tough person that can handle any heartbreaks. even my hardest goodbye didn't give me this silly feelings when he had gone. but this. this makes me afraid. i'm afraid he would be my next goodbye, the impossible one. thinking about it even more makes me shiver. and here it comes. the cold and hard times i should handle myself.

better than love

Seemed impossible, seemed absurd
I didn’t even know you before
Kept my distance, closing in
I don’t mind caressing your skin


What did you say, what did you do?
Somehow, I feel I’m enchanted by you
Flying high on a mountain high
Suddenly you look as bright as the sky




Something old, something new
Something I didn’t thought could be true
Have I forgotten, or have I never
Felt like this, as light as a feather





Not interested in love,
But I’m attracted to you
I hope that you feel the same way too
A little too fast but way too long
Though I’m not sure where I belong



What did you say, what did you do?
Somehow, I feel I’m enchanted by you
Flying high on a mountain high
Suddenly you look as bright as the sky





Something old, something new
Something I didn’t thought could be true
Love’s too strong and a bit cliché
For now this is enough, i’ve got a long way


Something old, something new
Something I didn’t thought could be true
I’m afraid to ask but I need to know
Would you want me to stay?
Or would you want me to go?

So this is very late and i just got home from hanging out with my friends. There's this song that's been playing in my head until now. It was played in the radio when i was in my friend's car. And i love it. The lyrics keep coming in. And i just pressed the download button of the song. The title is Dark Side from Kelly Clarkson. It's a touching song though. It tells a story of someone who's in love with someone but afraid of showing his/her true self to the person he/she loves. He/she is afraid if the person he/she loves will go away and turn around after knowing her/his true self. And it reminds me that i have a lot of 'dark' sides. And some of them are not known by the people that i love. Who i really am.  They don't know. 

"Dark Side"

by Kelly Clarkson

There's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts

Even if I try to push you out

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond

From black dust

It's hard to know

What can become

If you give up

So don't give up on me

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Don't run away

Don't run away

Just tell me that you will stay

Promise me you will stay

Don't run away

Don't run away

Just promise me you will stay

Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Don't run away

Don't run away

Don't run away

Promise you'll stay

i hate it the most when people break their promises. when they already said something but deny saying anything about it later on. i don't know why i hate it. maybe because people i love usually do it to me and they don't realize that i hate it the most. my parents do it a million times, that i get tired of trusting their words now. even my friends, my best friends. i trust them, but if we talk about promises or appointments, i have a hard time on trusting them, because i know they will cancel it. and once they break it, they break me. because once people promise me something, i put my faith on their words. my whole trust. and once it's broken, it will never be the same again. people called it a part of my  'trust' issue. when people do it to me, i won't show my disappointment. i will just stay quiet and hold it all inside. and i will mark their names, one by one, people who lost my trust. so i won't be disappointed next time. so i will know who i can really rely on.  well sometimes i lose my temper. i get mad. swear and curse to silent walls. punch the air. and scream my darkest side of myself to tears. it's hard having times like those. because once i love someone, i will definitely trust them. and  when they break my promises, it's hard to hate them or unlove them again. love is something you can't undo no matter what. 

et cetera

Well since i don't add any details in my 'about me' column in my blog. Maybe i should do a post about it. Here's the facts about who i really am et cetera. 

Basics:

Name:        Bernadete Ryninta Dwi Kinanti Rahayu

Date of Birth:  29 November 1995

Birthplace:  Yogyakarta, Indonesia

Current Location:  Tangerang, Indonesia

Eye Color:   Dark brown

Hair Color:  Black

Height:       1.61 metres

Heritage:    none

Piercings: one each ear

Tattoos: none

Favourite:

Band/Singer: Maroon5, Paramore, Fallout Boy, Adele, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Katy Perry.

Song:           Second You Sleep - Saybia

Movie:   Any Romances with Katherine Heigl, Harry Potter films, superhero films.

Disney Movie: Pocahontas, Beauty and the Beast.

TV show:   Pretty Little Liars, Glee, The Vampire Diaries.

Color:           None

Food:           Nasi Padang, Fried Rice, Seafood, Sambal.

Pizza topping:       Super Supreme, Cheese.

Ice-Cream Flavor:  Cookies and Cream

Drink (alcoholic):   Beer is good.

Soda:           none

Store:   anything that's cheap.

Clothing Brand:   Hardware, Whim, Colorbox, Gaudi.

Shoe Brand:   the little things she needs, Adorable Project Indonesia

Season:   wet

Month:   December

Holiday/Festival:    Christmas

Flower:   Rose

Make-Up Item:    Eyeliner

Board game:    monopoly

This or That

Sunny or rainy:    rainy

Chocolate or vanilla:chocolate

Fruit or veggie:    veggie

Night or day:          night   

Sour or sweet:    salty?

Love or money:    LOVE!!

Phone or in person: in person

Looks or personality: personality

Coffee or tea:        coffee 

Hot or cold:            cold

Your:

Goal for this year:                     gets into the best university.

Most missed memory:               hanging out with my brother and his old motorcycle

Best physical feature:              my ass ?

First thought waking up:      'i have to take a bath now'

Hypothetical personality disorder: schizophrenia

Preferred type of plastic surgery: none

Sesame street alter ego:      cookie monster

Fairytale alter ego:              Pocahontas

Most stupid remark:              i don't remember because i do it a lot.

Worst crime:                      drinking?

Greatest ambition:              succeed in life

Greatest fear:                      strawberry, thunders.

Darkest secret:                      you think i'm that stupid to tell that here?

Favorite subject:                      sports, vocal class, physics, english, history, wow that's a lot.

Strangest received gift:              a box full of stars that will shine in darkness.

Worst habit:                      swearing and cursing.

Do You:

Smoke:                              No

Drink:                                Yes

Curse:                               yes

Shower daily:                     Yes of course!

Like thunderstorms:             ARE YOU CRAZY??

Dance in the rain:                hell YEAH

Sing:                                 hell YEAH

Play an instrument:             YUP. a guitar.

Get along with your parents:     super

Wish on stars:           i don't wanna wish on a star that has actually fallen a thousand years ago

Believe in fate:                     Yes

Believe in love at first sight:     nope.

Can You:

Drive:                                     you bet

Sew:                                     i'm not a grandma

Cook:                                     proudly to say YES

Speak another language:     yup.

Dance:                             unexpectedly, yes.

Sing:                                     hell YEAH

Touch your nose with your tongue:  what? do you think i'm a lizard?

Whistle:                             nope

Curl your tongue:                     NO

Have You Ever:

Been Drunk:                     Yeah

Been Stoned/High:             nope. NEVER!

Eaten Sushi:                     once and i won't eat it again.

Been in Love:                     yes

Skipped school:                     yeah

Made prank calls:                     like hundred times.

Sent someone a love letter:     once at MABIS.

Stolen something:             unfortunately, yes.

Cried yourself to sleep:             yes...

Other Questions:

What annoys you most in a person?   when they break their promises.      

Are you right or left handed? right handed

What is your bedtime? around 12 till dawn.

Name three things you can't live without: my family, my best friends, internet connection.

What is the color of your room?  broken white

Do you have any siblings? one older brother.

Do you have any pets?  nope. Mom hates animals.

Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars?  maybe.

What is you middle name? well i kinda don't have any middle part in my long name.

What are you nicknames? Ryn, rinintot, Bear, Ririn, ricchan, Bernadete.

Are you for or against gay marriage? against

What are your thoughts on abortion? it's a cruel, sadistic act of a mother.

Do you have a crush on anyone? nope. my heart's settled on someone.

Are you afraid of the dark? sometimes.

How do you want to die? i don't want to even think about it.

What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day? haven't tried it.

Would you take a bullet for the one you love? YES.

What is the last law you’ve broken?  i'm no criminal.

In a Member of the Opposite Sex:

Hair color: Black

Eye color: dark brown

Height higher than me

Weight heavier than me but not too much.

Most important physical feature: smile. and abs or biceps.

Biggest turn-off : stubbornness, weak.