better than love

Seemed impossible, seemed absurd
I didn’t even know you before
Kept my distance, closing in
I don’t mind caressing your skin


What did you say, what did you do?
Somehow, I feel I’m enchanted by you
Flying high on a mountain high
Suddenly you look as bright as the sky




Something old, something new
Something I didn’t thought could be true
Have I forgotten, or have I never
Felt like this, as light as a feather





Not interested in love,
But I’m attracted to you
I hope that you feel the same way too
A little too fast but way too long
Though I’m not sure where I belong



What did you say, what did you do?
Somehow, I feel I’m enchanted by you
Flying high on a mountain high
Suddenly you look as bright as the sky





Something old, something new
Something I didn’t thought could be true
Love’s too strong and a bit cliché
For now this is enough, i’ve got a long way


Something old, something new
Something I didn’t thought could be true
I’m afraid to ask but I need to know
Would you want me to stay?
Or would you want me to go?

So this is very late and i just got home from hanging out with my friends. There's this song that's been playing in my head until now. It was played in the radio when i was in my friend's car. And i love it. The lyrics keep coming in. And i just pressed the download button of the song. The title is Dark Side from Kelly Clarkson. It's a touching song though. It tells a story of someone who's in love with someone but afraid of showing his/her true self to the person he/she loves. He/she is afraid if the person he/she loves will go away and turn around after knowing her/his true self. And it reminds me that i have a lot of 'dark' sides. And some of them are not known by the people that i love. Who i really am.  They don't know. 

"Dark Side"

by Kelly Clarkson

There's a place that I know

It's not pretty there and few have ever gone

If I show it to you now

Will it make you run away

Or will you stay

Even if it hurts

Even if I try to push you out

Will you return?

And remind me who I really am

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond

From black dust

It's hard to know

What can become

If you give up

So don't give up on me

Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Don't run away

Don't run away

Just tell me that you will stay

Promise me you will stay

Don't run away

Don't run away

Just promise me you will stay

Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Don't run away

Don't run away

Don't run away

Promise you'll stay

i hate it the most when people break their promises. when they already said something but deny saying anything about it later on. i don't know why i hate it. maybe because people i love usually do it to me and they don't realize that i hate it the most. my parents do it a million times, that i get tired of trusting their words now. even my friends, my best friends. i trust them, but if we talk about promises or appointments, i have a hard time on trusting them, because i know they will cancel it. and once they break it, they break me. because once people promise me something, i put my faith on their words. my whole trust. and once it's broken, it will never be the same again. people called it a part of my  'trust' issue. when people do it to me, i won't show my disappointment. i will just stay quiet and hold it all inside. and i will mark their names, one by one, people who lost my trust. so i won't be disappointed next time. so i will know who i can really rely on.  well sometimes i lose my temper. i get mad. swear and curse to silent walls. punch the air. and scream my darkest side of myself to tears. it's hard having times like those. because once i love someone, i will definitely trust them. and  when they break my promises, it's hard to hate them or unlove them again. love is something you can't undo no matter what. 

et cetera

Well since i don't add any details in my 'about me' column in my blog. Maybe i should do a post about it. Here's the facts about who i really am et cetera. 

Basics:

Name:        Bernadete Ryninta Dwi Kinanti Rahayu

Date of Birth:  29 November 1995

Birthplace:  Yogyakarta, Indonesia

Current Location:  Tangerang, Indonesia

Eye Color:   Dark brown

Hair Color:  Black

Height:       1.61 metres

Heritage:    none

Piercings: one each ear

Tattoos: none

Favourite:

Band/Singer: Maroon5, Paramore, Fallout Boy, Adele, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Katy Perry.

Song:           Second You Sleep - Saybia

Movie:   Any Romances with Katherine Heigl, Harry Potter films, superhero films.

Disney Movie: Pocahontas, Beauty and the Beast.

TV show:   Pretty Little Liars, Glee, The Vampire Diaries.

Color:           None

Food:           Nasi Padang, Fried Rice, Seafood, Sambal.

Pizza topping:       Super Supreme, Cheese.

Ice-Cream Flavor:  Cookies and Cream

Drink (alcoholic):   Beer is good.

Soda:           none

Store:   anything that's cheap.

Clothing Brand:   Hardware, Whim, Colorbox, Gaudi.

Shoe Brand:   the little things she needs, Adorable Project Indonesia

Season:   wet

Month:   December

Holiday/Festival:    Christmas

Flower:   Rose

Make-Up Item:    Eyeliner

Board game:    monopoly

This or That

Sunny or rainy:    rainy

Chocolate or vanilla:chocolate

Fruit or veggie:    veggie

Night or day:          night   

Sour or sweet:    salty?

Love or money:    LOVE!!

Phone or in person: in person

Looks or personality: personality

Coffee or tea:        coffee 

Hot or cold:            cold

Your:

Goal for this year:                     gets into the best university.

Most missed memory:               hanging out with my brother and his old motorcycle

Best physical feature:              my ass ?

First thought waking up:      'i have to take a bath now'

Hypothetical personality disorder: schizophrenia

Preferred type of plastic surgery: none

Sesame street alter ego:      cookie monster

Fairytale alter ego:              Pocahontas

Most stupid remark:              i don't remember because i do it a lot.

Worst crime:                      drinking?

Greatest ambition:              succeed in life

Greatest fear:                      strawberry, thunders.

Darkest secret:                      you think i'm that stupid to tell that here?

Favorite subject:                      sports, vocal class, physics, english, history, wow that's a lot.

Strangest received gift:              a box full of stars that will shine in darkness.

Worst habit:                      swearing and cursing.

Do You:

Smoke:                              No

Drink:                                Yes

Curse:                               yes

Shower daily:                     Yes of course!

Like thunderstorms:             ARE YOU CRAZY??

Dance in the rain:                hell YEAH

Sing:                                 hell YEAH

Play an instrument:             YUP. a guitar.

Get along with your parents:     super

Wish on stars:           i don't wanna wish on a star that has actually fallen a thousand years ago

Believe in fate:                     Yes

Believe in love at first sight:     nope.

Can You:

Drive:                                     you bet

Sew:                                     i'm not a grandma

Cook:                                     proudly to say YES

Speak another language:     yup.

Dance:                             unexpectedly, yes.

Sing:                                     hell YEAH

Touch your nose with your tongue:  what? do you think i'm a lizard?

Whistle:                             nope

Curl your tongue:                     NO

Have You Ever:

Been Drunk:                     Yeah

Been Stoned/High:             nope. NEVER!

Eaten Sushi:                     once and i won't eat it again.

Been in Love:                     yes

Skipped school:                     yeah

Made prank calls:                     like hundred times.

Sent someone a love letter:     once at MABIS.

Stolen something:             unfortunately, yes.

Cried yourself to sleep:             yes...

Other Questions:

What annoys you most in a person?   when they break their promises.      

Are you right or left handed? right handed

What is your bedtime? around 12 till dawn.

Name three things you can't live without: my family, my best friends, internet connection.

What is the color of your room?  broken white

Do you have any siblings? one older brother.

Do you have any pets?  nope. Mom hates animals.

Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars?  maybe.

What is you middle name? well i kinda don't have any middle part in my long name.

What are you nicknames? Ryn, rinintot, Bear, Ririn, ricchan, Bernadete.

Are you for or against gay marriage? against

What are your thoughts on abortion? it's a cruel, sadistic act of a mother.

Do you have a crush on anyone? nope. my heart's settled on someone.

Are you afraid of the dark? sometimes.

How do you want to die? i don't want to even think about it.

What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day? haven't tried it.

Would you take a bullet for the one you love? YES.

What is the last law you’ve broken?  i'm no criminal.

In a Member of the Opposite Sex:

Hair color: Black

Eye color: dark brown

Height higher than me

Weight heavier than me but not too much.

Most important physical feature: smile. and abs or biceps.

Biggest turn-off : stubbornness, weak.

School starts on Monday. Well actually it has already started since a week ago, but on Monday we will study for real, on a real schedule. I don't think that it's lame or something, it's just... Well it means this is the start of the boot camp of my war. I really need to work my ass off for the big thing. I have to be focus, serious and hardworking, like really hard. I bought books full of exercises, i need to do those. I have to spare my weekends and free times for studying now. No more going out. 

Nothing will describe my feelings right now. I feel excited yet nervous at the same time. It's like queuing for a roller coaster ride. We're afraid to take the ride but we know that we will have some fun right after it ends. 

Now I'm waiting for my friends to show up. This is Saturday nite and we girls are going to have some fun. Well, even though it's just going to a cafe, enjoy the band and hang out until it's closed. I like seeing the shops when they are closing. When the lights that has been lighting the place all day went out. When the seats in the restaurants are being put up on the table. When the silence comes and the shops assistants lock the place and go home. The shops look more peaceful. It's like i watch them sleeping. 

luck

I can say that I'm not a lucky person. Bad lucks come more often than the opposite. I have a friend who has a lot of lucks. And luck has been her savior from time to time. I envy her sometimes. Now that i think about what kind of luck that i have. I don't have many. I have good scores only if i study much. Have much money if i save them. Have good friends if i look for them. My luck that i remember is when i was competing in a sectional astronomy olympiade. I haven't studied at all and i just knew the date of the test, one day before the test. But i made it though to the regional. It had happened twice. That's luck. 

But now that i think more about it. I have one luck now in my life. My boyfriend. His name is Kevin. He's a weird person like me (i'm still weirder though). He's smart but he's sort of lazy. He plays piano like a god for me. He joins paskibra. He dreams to be an architect and i believe he will be one of the best architects in the future. He's a funny person and very romantic in his own honest way. I never thought that i can love him the way i am now because i had a bad past and i was in love with someone that can never be with me. But now i can feel like i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have someone like him as my boyfriend. Who can understand my bad temper and be a mood bosster. Who doesn't like to be too attached to each other like others (because i like to be free). I'm comfortable around him and i'm more me when i'm with him. I can tell you that this is the most honest form of myself in a relationship. I used to lie much because i don't want to be bother by other when i enjoy myself. But he gives me spaces and his time for me. And if he smiles, God, it's like there are rainbows and i'm a unicorn. I feel free even though i am not single. I've never felt like this in previous relationships. And if you ask me now, 'do you love him?', i will definitely answer "Are you crazy? Yes of course."

And here i am. Sitting in front of a guy who plays my Claire de Lune. Feeling so lucky. Yeah, what kind of girl who doesn't want to have a boyfriend who will play you your favorite lullaby with a piano? I am so damn lucky.  

the untold story about my future

These days i've been thinking a lot about my future. about what i want. who i want to be. where will i go. going to college is way harder than getting into a good high school. it was very easy for me to get into the school where i go now. but college? it's a different thing. and i'm pretty scared of not going into a good university. or not going into the right direction. what if i choose the wrong option? my whole future will be ruined. actually i'm not even sure about who i want to be. 

I want to be like my dad. He has a small company that works for another bigger companies as a mechanical constructor company. and he has this job as a manager in technical support in this big bio gas company. He makes a lot from those things. And he inspires me. Knowing me interested in his job, he makes me wanting to go to an engineering faculty. I'm free to choose my specialty, so i choose industrial engineering or maybe electronical engineering. He wants me to get into a national university, the best one. Actually, i'm free to choose but i want to make him proud. Because my brother had disappointed him with not going into a national university. And this is hard. My options are ITB, UGM, or UI. If i don't get into one of those, maybe i will have to wait one year. Maybe i will try to do an audition for Indonesian Idol. Or just join a student exchange. But my parents probably won't let that happen.

Last week, a cousin who has worked in one of big companies of Mitsui group, offered me a scholarship to Japan. my dad was very excited about that (me too actually), because it was very worth it. the college fees are paid by the company. the living expenses are going to be around 12 millions per month. and i will get a new laptop. studying in Japan for 5.5 years. my job will be guaranteed after i graduated and my salary are possibly going to be above 15million rupiahs per month. i have a chance too to have a job outside Indonesia. it's a rare but also extremely good scholarships. i think i will fight harder for this thing because only 3 are chosen to go and i want to be one of them. 

But all of  those pressures of going to college are so effin' hard, so i decided to have a course of math and science. i have registered for that. and i will be taking those courses every Monday to Thursday from 5 to 7. this year's going to be the tiring one for me, i think. But i believe God has something for me to do. And i'm kind of waiting for that to happen.

questions, questions

TEN HOW'S:
How did you get one of your scars?
cut it with a knife when i was young.
How did you celebrate your last birthday?
went to a restaurant and went karaoke with a bunch of friends.
How are you feeling at this moment?
delighted.
How did your night go last night?
it was fun. spent it with my band.
How did you do in high school?
not really good for me
How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
mom bought it, because there was a discount.
How often do you see ur best friend?
not much recently.
How much money did you spend last month?
wohoo... i don't know around 800 i guess.
How old do you want to be when you get married?
28
How old will you be at your next birthday?
17


NINE WHAT'S:
Your mothers name?
Yohana Irina
What did you do last weekend?
I went to pick up my sister to go on a holiday with me. 
What is the most important part of your life?
to have a beautiful family and friends that have my back.
What would you rather be doing?
now? read a book.
What did you last cry over?
a drama.
What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
seeing nicki minaj music videos because i think it's funny
What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
honesty
What are you worried about?
my future
What did you have for breakfast?
i didn't have my breakfast today.


EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:
Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
i think, yeah.
Have you ever had your heartbroken?
once. and it was hard to recover.
Have you ever been out of the country?
yes
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
most of the times.
Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
nope, thank God.
Have you ever had sex on the beach?
of course not! not gonna do that till marriage
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
nope
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
like all the time.


SEVEN WHO’S:
Who was the last person you saw?
my mom
Who was the last person you texted?
Kevin
Who was the last person you hungout with?
my band.
Who was the last person to call you?
my dad
Who did you last hug?
my sister
Who is the last person who texted you?
Kevin
Who was the las person you said "i love you" to?
Kevin


SIX WHERE’S:
Where does your best friend live?
she used to live at Lippo Karawaci, now she's moving near my house. Yippie!
Where did you last go?
Burger King
Where did you last hang out?
Rio's house
Where do you go to school?
SMAK Penabur Gading Serpong
Where is your favorite place to be?
Jogja.
Where did you sleep last night?
on my bed .__.


FIVE DO’S/DOES:
Do you like someone right now?
yes
Do you think anyone likes you?
haha. i don't think i'm that lovely.
Do you ever wish you were someone else?
nope
Do you know the muffin man?
nope .__.
Does the future scare you?
A LOT.


FOUR WHY’S:
Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
because we do crazythings people don't do
Why did you get a blog?
i love writing
Why did your parents give you the name you have?
because they thought that my previous name they planned is so old fashioned (it was Anneke)
Why are you doing this survey?
i was bored.


THREE IF’S:
If you could have one super power what would it be??
the one that Hulk has
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
nope. everything's awesome now.
If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?
a lifeboat


TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:
Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
maybe. but not now. i'm happy with who i'm with.
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
anything.


ONE LAST QUESTION
Are you happy with your life right now?
EXTREMELY